The pain is relentless today. Although the intensity remains in the moderate range, my mind won’t allow me to compartmentalize it this morning. Frankie, my Boston Terrier, who is attuned to my inner battles, just brought me his ball; as if to say, “come on let’s play!” Tears threatened. This past week has been challenging; I have been able to function and keep my mask of cheer in place but I feel it slipping away this morning.
Having chronic pain from long-standing rheumatoid arthritis has stripped me bare many times over the past years. It’s easy to fall back into old patterns and question myself. What did I do wrong? Am I worthless and just a burden to those I love? It seems overnight that my hands transformed — unrecognizable, crooked, misaligned, and ugly.
When I fall into self-pity I have found journaling to be a great comfort. When chronic disease pain hits with brute force, it isn’t a choice but it’s within our control to wallow in self-pity or take another action. Having been here many times before, I know what I need to do. Tears can be healing but I’m done for today. It’s time to nurture the mind, body and spirit. We have power in our lives. It’s time to take positive action. I best go find Frankie’s ball and let that inner child of mine out to play.